Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Communication Trap #3: Escalation


Ok, here is where it gets really interesting. So far we've been pretty much passive-aggressive, talking about invalidation and negative interpretation. Escalation is anything but passive. Escalation is where we really get to vent our feelings, to let it all hang out, to tell 'em what we think, to give 'em a piece of our mind; after all, don't we deserve it? And shouldn't we be honest about our feelings?

In escalation, each party responds more strongly than the other, upping the emotional ante, usually until someone is yelling or screaming or crying or premeditating murder.

"You left the extension cable in the doorway again."

"Why are little things so important to you? Just put it back." (an dash of invalidation here)

"Are you too lazy to do it?" (slipping in a little negative interpretation in the mix)

"Listen, you are always riding me about stupid trivial stuff. I'm not going to do it. What are you going to do about it, fire me?" (in this example of extreme insubordination, the answer might be yes)


Consider the alternative to escalation.


"You left the extension cable in the doorway again."

"Why are little things so important to you? Just put it back." (an dash of invalidation here)

"Things like that ARE important to me, because I feel like housekeeping reflects on all of us." (validating their comment and trying to explain the reasons for it)

"Ok, I'm sorry that I was so short with you. I'll try to keep things more organized."

When you sense escalation beginning, try to soften your tone, acknowledge the other person's feelings, and offer some humility . Humility is not an attribute that we often celebrate in America. Our heroes are supposed to be strong and forceful. But a small dash of humility can go a long way towards better workplace relations.

And it works pretty well at home, too.

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