Riding Roller Coasters

I love riding roller coasters. My wife, on the other hand, is not a fan. So, when it came time to expose our children to the joys of roller-coaster riding, it was to be my personal pleasure to introduce them to this wonderful, thrilling invention of man. Or so I thought.

I can remember the day when each of my children took their first roller coaster ride. The excitement, dread and anticipation was almost too much to bear, as they struggled with their decision, to ride or not to ride, then decided to go forward, reluctantly. Imagine my frustration, eagerly anticipating the ride to come, and the joy of sharing the experience with my child, and waiting as patiently as possible for up to an hour or more in the amusement park line, all the while watching as the child becomes more and more nervous, trying to make small talk, distract, change the subject, only to find him bailing out in tears just before boarding the ride.

For some of them it took several years to get up the courage to ride. I had to wonder, will I ever have someone to share this roller-coaster experience with?

Last year I went to Bush Gardens with these same formerly reluctant, roller-coaster adverse children, all of them now in their teens or twenties. Bush Gardens, for those of you who may not be familiar, is a roller-coaster enthusiasts’ dream with at least five fantastic coasters. And we rode them all. Over and over. And over. And over. Until I, the roller-coaster master, the undisputed king, the self-taught Jedi of g-forces, had to quietly say, “enough”.

And at this my boys said, in echoes of my own voice, “Come on dad, let’s ride again, please will you at least try to ride with us?”

And I found myself saying, in a voice that sounded almost child-like, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

So, does this mean my parenthood journey is completed? As the great philosopher-father Kal-El in the superman comics said, “The son becomes the father, and the father becomes the son.” Something amazing happens to our children we age together, and it is nothing short of a miracle.

I see this same behavior repeated in a number of other areas: seeking a job, filing a tax return, and going out on your first date. Not that I want to accompany my children in all of these activities, but I do see the same reluctance, fear, and second-guessing, and finally, with continual patient encouragement, an eventual victory to be celebrated. Sometimes they even surpass my own accomplishments and go on to greater and greater achievement.

It’s a wonderful transformation. So keep on pushing your kids. Let’s get on the coaster and ride. At least until I throw up.


This article originally appeared in the Operation Us newsletter.  Operation Us is an initiative of Springfield, Missouri based Forest Institute.  They received a grant from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to promote healthy marriages, relationships and families.  You can read more here:  Operation Us website (click here)

Communication Trap #2: Negative Interpretation

Another very common communication error is Negative Interpretation. We do it all the time at my office, especially in communications over long distances between locations, or in adversarial meetings between supervisors and employees. It usually occurs because of a bias that we hold, intentionally or unintentionally, knowingly or unknowingly. I'll explain more in a moment.

Negative Interpretation occurs when someone commits the Fundamental Attribution Error. How's that for clearing up ambiguity? The Fundamental Attribution Error is Harvard-speak for this: the bias of attributing the observed behavior of an individual to personality factors rather than external situational factors. For example, we may assume that an accident occurred because an individual was lazy instead of because of a lack of training.

If I act reluctant to sit down to watch a movie with my wife, she may incorrectly assume that "you didn't really want to watch that movie with me" or even worse, she may combine negative interpretation with invalidation and pull off a zinger like, "you never like watching the movies I like." The truth may be that I was just tired from a long day, or that I had a task I was really wanting to complete first (really darling, that's my story and I'm sticking with it!)

The same thing happens around the office when we commit the fundamental attribution error and communicate our negative interpretation to our coworkers ("are you just trying to get out of work?") When we do this, employees become less motivated, less engaged, and less willing to work with us because they feel that we are not really listening to them or trying to understand things from their point of view.

To overcome this tendency, try to force yourself to look for evidence that is contrary to your negative interpretation. If you find yourself thinking "that person is just lazy" then ask yourself, "are there any other possible reasons for this behavior?"

Try this at home. See what happens. Then try it at work too.